Well at least it's not Oz
by DuckieKinz
Summary: One second Cass is walking back home from the most awesome concert ever, the next she's waking up in a Hobbit Hole (what's a Hobbit anyway) and being told by some dude in a grey dress who desperately needs a manicure that she's probably dead? What the hell man, what the hell? And then there's Dwarves? Elves? DRAGONS? But no unicorns, of course not. Greaaat.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:Trying something out. Not sure if I'll continue but thought it best to write it out anyway, if only so that the story stops badgering me.**

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><p><em>In The Beginning<em>

Cass couldn't feel her ears. Or any part of her face really but it was a small price to pay for the awesomeness that this evening had been. The rock festivals at Uni were the best, so many different sounds, so many amazing bands, so much screaming and feeling the druggy beat of the bass drum moving through her was her favourite part. Sure the headache and dizziness that came later on due to the headbanging were a pain but she was a college student, it was like every other hangover. And sure dealing with the occasional drugged up idiot leaning heavily on her while sweating like a pig was annoying but she could always shove them off on someone else and go back to making mooney eyes at the guitarist while wishing she was his Strat.

She was so happy she could die. Only problem was, the migraines, combined with the deafness meant she didn't quite see or hear the car coming at her. Consequently she _did_ die.

Well, for a while at least.

#-#

"Bilbo my dear fellow if I could put the young lady down for a rest?"

The Dwarves were driving Bilbo nuts and he wanted, really wanted to rip into Gandalf and ask him what exactly was going on. The only thing stopping him was the young woman Gandalf was carrying who looked to be in quite a state and dressed completely inappropriately as well. If it wasn't for the fact that Gandalf was Gandalf the Gray, a respected wizard who was supposed to be wise beyond compare, Bilbo would have been quite suspicious of the fact that he was carrying a young woman in an apparent state of dishabille with him.

So Bilbo waited until Gandalf had situated the woman down on his bed and they were far enough away from her before giving in to the wild protests building underneath his skin.

"What are all these dwarves doing in my house and why is there a woman with you?!"

"The young lady appears to be injured. I found her on the path to the Shire lying on the ground and simply made to make sure she was alright. The dwarves are a completely different story, one that shall be explained to you, my dear fellow, once the final member of our company arrives."

"And who exactly might that be?!"

As if waiting for that very question to be asked, a loud knock resounded through the Smial. As if one, the company looked to the door, expectant only to be surprised when the young woman was found standing in the doorway of Bilbo's bedroom eyes screwed shut in pain.

"Is that Mrs Boggins?" Kili asked and turned impressed eyes to Bilbo who was simply staring around the Smial confused. Before he could answer another knock sounded and the girl groaned.

"Lydia, open the door or kill the guy knocking so loudly, just get it to shut up." She protested through unopened eyes leaning against the doorway, pressing a hand to her head and rubbing gently completely unaware of the stares she was earning.

"I'm not Lydia!" Bilbo exclaimed and Gandalf went to open the door while the young woman opened her eyes wide at the sound of Bilbo's voice.

"Ah, Thorin."

"Gandalf, I thought you said this place would be easy to find." The newcomer stepped in and opened his mouth as if to say something only to snap it shut when he noticed no one was paying the slightest bit of attention to him.

The girl looked around her with her eyes almost bursting out of her skull. She took in the strangeness of the clothes, of the weapons, of the very way they were all standing and then noticed the seemingly gigantic man who had opened the door. Then she took in Bilbo's feet and pointed at them with her mouth agape before her arms started flailing wildly, her fingers pointing at various things in the house, eventually falling down to her side.

"Toto I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." She said and dropped to the ground in a dead faint.

The dwarves and Bilbo clustered around her with varying degrees of confusion on their faces. Gandalf took the initiative and picked her up once again, complaining about his back while he did so and put her back in Bilbo's bed while the rest discussed it amongst themselves.

"What's Toto?" Kili asked Fili who shrugged and replied.

"What's Kansas?"

#-#


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I don't know where I'm going with this but it's going to be a bumpy ride.**

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><p><em>A little bit after the beginning<em>

The loud thunk of her boots on the wooden floor alerted them to the fact that the human girl had woken and Thorin, who had been in the middle of telling them all of the meeting at Ered Luin clammed up immediately. Gandalf, ever the peacemaker smiled at her. "Ah you are awake."

"Where am I and how did I get here?" Her eyes were bugging out of her head. "And why am I getting no cell phone reception?" She held up a glowing rock, smooth and black with little blobs of colour on it and waved it around.

Gandalf cleared his throat sitting up a bit straighter in her presence. "I found you, my dear child, lying unconscious on the road to the Shire and brought you here." He said with a kind smile that did nothing to abate the apprehension on her face.

"What's Shire? How did I get there? And why are you all dressed so strangely?"

"We're not the ones dressed strangely you are!" Gloin protested and Kili eyed the boots with interest. They were black leather with a slightly pointed tip, a high heel that raised her to a few inches higher than his uncle and mister Dwalin and criss-crossing ties down the front. They seemed completely pointless. And then there was the rest, the ridiculously short hair, barely skimming her shoulders, the bright purple shirt that was so short a sliver of skin showed between its hem and the very tight blue breeches. Even the dark coat was cut strangely, didn't seem like a coat at all and the fingernails were painted a bright robin egg blue and they _sparkled_. It was very strange.

"My dear what is the last thing you remember?" Gandalf said, telling everyone to move down the line and make space for her at the table and she sat at the left of Thorin where Gandalf had been seated before, perched at the very edge of the chair. She continued to eye him strangely.

"I was walking home. Saw a big bright light, probably a car. Then I woke up because someone was knocking the door so loudly it sounded like he was trying to break it. Don't call me 'my dear' it freaks me out. And why are you all so short?"

"You're not that tall yourself." Gloin protested.

"Yes and I'm one of the shortest people I know. I mean I met Peter Dinklage at that party once but even he'd be freaked out by this whole Ren Fair thing you've got going on."

"It is as I expected." Gandalf said importantly, taking a deep inhale of his pipe. "The young lady here is not of our world."

She snorted. "Oh ha ha, funny. I mean I've heard of the theory of multiple universes but that's plain ridiculous. What, did the Doctor dump me here?"

"And what is it that _you_ think happened?" Gandalf leaned forward meaningfully and the girl maintained the blank face and shrugged. She seemed rather an apathetic kind

"I got hurt, they put me on some drugs that have me tripping balls, this is all just a dream."

"We're not a dream you're a dream!" One of the dwarves protested, she didn't know or care which one.

"My mistake, when I said dream I meant nightmare, this is a nightmare." The table erupted in shouts and accusations and while she herself remained unhindered Gandalf grew increasingly annoyed.

"Enough!" He said standing up and a darkness overtook the place as if he had somehow manage dot dim all the lights at once but as quickly as that happened it also stopped but the girl remained unaffected.

"I've seen better special effects in Tim Burton movies."

"Is anything she's saying making sense to you?" Fili whispered to Kili but was apparently not quite quiet enough when the girl turned her attention to him before turning back to Gandalf.

"Fine then, why don't you tell me what happened."

"It was no coincidence that I found you on the road to Shire at such a time. It is clear to me that the Valar have chosen you to accompany us on our quest, not without reason do people move between worlds."

"You saw a woman passed out on a road and the first thing that came to your mind was that she's from another world? Does this happen to you often?"

"Milady I simply noticed that your clothing was strange and inappropriate, there is no kingdom in Middle Earth where such attire is considered normal."

"My jeans and shirt are inappropriate." She said blankly.

"They are rather...close fitting."

"I'm dressed inappropriately?! You're wearing a fricking dress." She scoffed eyeing his robes with distaste. "And not a very clean one either."

"These are robes!"

"A rose by another name is still a rose and _that_ is a dress. And you're really telling me that there are no corsets in this 'world' that push things up and about inappropriately? And the fact that my bum looks fantastic in these leggings makes them inappropriate? It's like women's lib never happened!" Her eyes grew wide. "Ah crap women's lib actually never happened, did it? I can't be stuck in a world where I have to start the feminism movement!"

"Gandalf surely you cannot mean to tell me that this child is to join us on our quest?" Thorin objected, finally speaking after what seemed to be an age of silent observation.

"Quest? Child?!" She cried out.

"You're going on a quest?" Bilbo said and she turned at the sound of his voice only to eye his feet unable to take her eyes off them.

"Ah Bilbo my dear fellow, let us have some more light." Gandalf said and he went off to fetch the light while Gandalf turned to the girl. "And perhaps we can discuss this better after some time, when things are a bit more settled."

She smiled but it was a cold smile. "Do I have any other options?"

"No."

"Then please, go on."

"Far to the east," Gandalf said and laid out a map on the table. "Over ranges and rivers beyond woodlands and wastelands, lies a single solitary peak."

"The Lonely mountain." Bilbo having just come back read out loud.

"Aye, Oin has read the portents and the portents say it is time."

"Ravens have been seen flying back to the mountain, as it was foretold. When the birds of yore return to Erebor, the reign of the beast will end."

Bilbo turned. "Uh, what beast?"

"Well that would be a reference to Smaug the Terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age. Airborne fire breather. Teeth like razors, claws like meat hooks. Extremely fond of precious metals."

"Yes, I know what a dragon is."

"I don't." The girl said. "Well I do know what a dragon is but seeing as how the definition of dragons and their behaviour is entirely dependent upon the culture, this is important information for me."

"Yes, the young lady is quite righ-"

"Cass. My name's Cass, please don't call me young lady. So you're trying to kill the dragon?" Cass asked and after a moment of silence and deferring to Thorin they nodded. "Why?"

"Why? Is it not enough that he has plundered and pillaged our homelands, burnt down great cities, dealt in dragon fire with no discrimination?" Thorin protested but Cass blinked.

"You do realise that since I'm from another world I haven't heard of any of this happening and to me it just sounds like you've decided to go to a lonely mountain and happened to mention a dragon?"

"The dragon came from the north and lay waste to the city of Erebor and Dale killing thousands, it has since been called the Lonely Mountain since it is achingly empty." Balin said before Thorin could offend her any further. He didn't particularly care for the girl but keeping Gandalf's faith in them was important.

"And this is you trying to reclaim it?"

"Yes." Balin confirmed then sighed. "The task would be difficult enough with an army behind us. But we number just thirteen. And not thirteen of the best, nor brightest."

Having decided she had heard enough Cass got up and walked away, standing in the empty pantry.

There she leaned against one of the shelves and breathed in and out, counting backwards from one hundred even as shouts erupted behind her at the table and lights flickered. Only when the thump of Bilbo hitting the floor was sounded did she finally open her eyes again and take her seat at the table. While a kettle of chamomile tea for Bilbo was set to boil under Oin's watch she restarted the conversation.

"This quest for a dragon, you think that I was sent here for the purpose of joining it?" She asked Gandalf who nodded.

Cass stared at the wizard, blinking blankly. The dwarves had been protesting her addition to the company for a while but eventually they stopped when she failed to respond. It was after a good while that she finally tore her eyes away from Gandalf and settled her chin on loosely steepled fingers, raising an eyebrow.

"Let me get this straight, you're suggesting that the gods of your world saw me die in my world, decided to save me and plonk me down in this world in the process giving me a destiny with a capital 'D' by having me involved in a quest to get back some kingdom which is currently being occupied by a dragon."

"Yes."

"Me?"

"Yes."

Cass smiled dryly and began. "I suppose this is a good time for me to mention that I am terribly afraid of heights-"

"That'll be problematic when we cross the Misty Mountains." Bofur noted.

"-I cannot swim-"

"There's going to be many rivers on our way, she might drown." He continued.

"-I twisted my ankle last week while running to open the door and it still hurts actually-"

"Then those boots were not a good idea." Kili added his two cents.

"-I have anxiety issues for which I am supposed to be taking medication-"

"Dragons can be plenty stressful." Bofur nodded.

"-as you might have noticed I have the muscle tone of a child-"

"A very weak, sickly child." Dwalin growled.

"-I am very susceptible to colds and the flu-"

"That'll be a problem since we'll be exposed to the elements constantly." Fili noted.

"-I was so bad at handling myself that I actually _died_ in my world simply crossing the street and you think I have some grand destiny that I will be fulfilling by going on a dangerous quest."

"...Yes."

"Are you nuts?"

"Gandalf, I will not have anyone slowing us down." Thorin growled.

"Yeah, what the silver fox said."

"Silver fox?" Kili and Fili wondered.

"He's cute and he has silver hair. Silver fox." She explained.

Thorin's eye twitched at the description but he continued. "The Halfling will be burden enough, I will not have some woman who probably can't even ride a horse-"

"I can ride a horse. That's one thing I can do very well. I was even shortlisted for the Olympics in the equestrian events but had to drop out of training because of an...accident." Her face grew dark and she scowled. It was apparent that the accident wasn't truly accidental especially since she cursed someone named Pythia under her breath rather creatively.

"Ah you see she isn't really much of a bother after all." Gandalf beamed.

Thorin was unconvinced as was Cass.

"But I don't want to face a dragon in another universe. I want to go home, watch TV and spazz about how cute the guitarist was."

"Chil-," Gandalf stopped himself at the glare she threw at him and began again. "Cass, you are probably dead in your world."

"Probably, not certainly. You don't know if I'm dead for sure, until such a time as we are certain I refuse to believe that." She remained adamant.

"Very well then if you do not want to accompany us to Erebor, I shall escort you to the hidden valley of Imladris."

She just pressed a hand to her forehead. "You do know that whatever you just said, it makes no sense to me, right?"

Gandalf sighed. "Imladris is a city of Elves, the Lord Elrond who presides over it is better versed in magic than I am. Perhaps he will know of a way to send you back home."

"That works for me."

"I will not go near that place." Thorin growled and Cass quirked an eyebrow.

"Is this like some weird Lycan-Vampire feud shit? Look I'll just go along with you as long as the road is the same and then you can just point me in the right direction. I'll either find them or end up dead at this point either one looks better than staying in a world with no wi-fi." At this she finally showed some emotion, looking close to tears. "No internet." She whispered brokenly.

More than one dwarf wondered if this Internet was the name of her lover.

"I don't understand anything you say." Thorin said trying to hide his bewilderment.

"Yes because everything you all talk about makes so much sense to me." She drawled sarcastically rolling her eyes. "Not even your sex voice is making this better." She muttered and pouted while the rest spluttered.

"Umm, miss?" Oin said, popping into the doorway. "Master Baggins says that you're welcome to use the bed for the night."

"Well then Cass, why don't you go sleep and I'll go talk to Master Baggins." Gandalf said smiling kindly and she left, disappearing into the same room she had emerged from just a few minutes ago. As Bilbo refused the offer of joining their quest and Balin and Thorin discussed the fate of the quest without their burglar Kili and Fili were distracted by other sounds coming from the bedroom.

But surely she wasn't actually trying to smother herself with a pillow?

#-#


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: It's like I'm being compelled to write this no matter what, I can't quite seem to stop myself.**

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><p><em>Still stuck at the start<em>

Travel Diary,

This is an attempt at chronicling my 'adventures' (ha!) through Middle Earth and for taking notes on the world as well. It's weird and medieval. I don't like it. There are no cars, my adventuring (cannot help but giggle maniacally at the thought of calling _this_ an adventure) is done on horseback or rather ponyback. Since I am amazing with horses this is not too much of a problem but it's all very slow which my mind cannot adjust to. I mean I even shell out the extra cash to take direct flights just so I don't have to waste a few hours flying, this is snail's pace stuff.

So apparently I was sent here by 'Valar' after I died in my own world. Technically I'm a zombie which should make Lydia very happy. I miss Lyds and her conspiracy theorising and the stair on the walk up to the third floor that's broken and even the cardboard like pizza from the place on the corner of the street that should have shut down years ago and the couple upstairs who have loud sex in the wee hours of the morning.

Speaking of Lyd's conspiracy theorising, something good has come out of her paranoia. Since she believed that the Ebola outbreak was actually a way of the government trying to cover up their experiments with biochemical weaponry, she has stuffed my jacket with things I might need in case of a zombie apocalypse.

Where do I find these people?

No joke, I found a note detailing this. It is also where I found this notebook, apparently I was to chronicle the End of Days in it. Instead this is going to turn into an 'If you get sent to this universe by Valar don't do this' guide.

Most importantly, in this kit for the zombie apocalypse (sewn into the lining of my coat no wonder it was so heavy, say what you will about the girl, she is crazy but enterprising!) I found some very important things.

Re-usable cloth sanitary napkins.

RIGHT?!

I was having a tough time dealing with the whole 'Holy crap there is a God after all, this makes my atheist ways look bad' shtick but with this I was made into a believer. I mean seriously what are the chances of me finding sanitary napkins that are tailor made for long trips like this?!

Maybe I should be worrying about dying and stuff too because this trip is supposed to be dangerous but apparently I'm already dead so my priority right now is my uterus.

Gandalf and I had a very long discussion about women going on trips in this era and the difficulties they must face. When we got to talking about the internal plumbing and I started talking about my period and how it happens seeing as how Middle Earth isn't as advanced in terms of anatomical knowledge, the dwarfs who had been listening in and adding little notes until then went very quiet and very pale.

Typical, really. Men.

I asked Gandalf but there are no unicorns in this world which is a total bummer. No pegasus either but Gandalf agrees in that long trips would be much easier with flying horses. Seriously, someone should look into magic-ing that into existence.

Till now I have come across three races in Middle Earth, Dwarves, Men and Hobbits. Although I do wonder if it is races or species but since Gandalf says that they can all procreate leading to fertile offspring I think races is the right term to use.

So first things first, dwarfs or as Kili informed me, Dwarrow.

Balin told me all this stuff about how they were made in this long epic tale but frankly that doesn't matter to me as of right now so I'm not writing that stuff down. But the gist is they were created by this dude called Aule or Mahal and he did it without permission so his bosses told him to smite the dwarfs but they begged for mercy and his boss was like 'Oh they can feel, you didn't screw up too badly, fine we'll let you keep them' and so he didn't obliterate them after all.

I seriously don't understand why people worship these sort of gods, I'd like to hear of one God who wasn't a total dick who didn't just smite in the name of righteousness.

Anyway, dwarrow have hard heads, they like gold, they mine and dedicate themselves to their craft. The dwarf women (dwarrowdam) are rare, making up only one third of the population and they are treasured because of that. Apparently they have beards and wear clothes like the dudes so people often think that there are no girl dwarfs. Course when I asked them if any of them were actually women dwarfs in disguise they got super offended.

Methinks they protest too much, by way of statistics four of them should be women but you know what, if they want to pretend to be dudes, let them. But I keep on thinking what it must be like for two people with beards to make out. Is it just constant rashes by beard burn or what?

So they're supposed to be short and stocky, the stocky bit is kind of true but the short bit is questionable seeing as how I'm only an inch taller than the tallest dwarf.

Annoying really. I mean it's bad enough that I'm around tall people all the time who make me feel short but then I'm around short people all the time who _also_ make me feel short. Unfair.

The next are hobbits. Hobbits are smaller than dwarfs and they have big hairy feet whose soles are so thick they don't need shoes. At first it freaked me out because Bilbo (he's the only hobbit on our journey) has feet that are disproportionately big but eventually I got used to it.

Hobbits like ale and a quiet peaceful life and farming and food and parties and they have seven meals in a day. _Seven_! I wish Mum was here just to watch her try to diet, it would be hilarious.

No wonder Bilbo's not happy about going on a long trip, I don't see him having seven meals a day while we're on the move.

And then there's the race of men.

They're the same as back home only medieval. I got some weird looks while we were passing through this place called Bree, lots of people looking at me like I was naked. Honestly, I think it may have to do with the boots and the jeans which I was wearing until we got there and I got myself some medieval trousers and stuff but I'm not wearing those. My jeans are way more comfortable while riding horseback all day long and the boots may look like witch/hooker boots but they're super comfy and don't scuff or anything and if being a closet Namie Amuro fan has taught me anything it is that corsets and knee high boots are always acceptable. I told Gandalf this and he got very worried about it because he thought it would gain me some 'untoward stares' so we made the deal that if we were going to stop at an inn or a settlement or something I would change into the Middle Earth clothes. But I don't think they would have looked at me like I was a whore for long, I've got my resting bitchface on permanent setting.

So now onto the troupe of people I'm with.

Gandalf: Is a wizard and is called Gandalf the grey which is really just uncreative naming. That would be like me being Cass the Blue, black and purple. Wait, that makes me sound like a bruise. He talks very cryptically, like he's making up riddles in his mind. I'm pretty sure he knows more about my appearance in this world then he's telling me but can't really get a good enough feel on it to question him on it. Is a wizard but I haven't seen him do anything magic-y yet. Will wait and see. Also seems to be sort of welcome everywhere. I mean he gets a few suspicious stares but they aren't exactly 'I think you're a sociopath' kind of stares. I'm wondering if he's using his rep and loose and voluminous robes *coughdresscough* to smuggle drugs but with the amount of times I've seen him smoking he probably burns through the stash of pipe 'weed' faster than he can sell it.

Bilbo: Hobbit. Misses home and bed. Is even more of a noob at travelling than I am but seems to be a quick study. Will probably be adjusting to it in no time and then I'll be the useless one. Has epic recipes all stored in his head, we've been talking bread and some of the stuff he's made sounds totally hardcore. Whole grain flour, strange proofing times and even things being added in at different time intervals.

Kili: He's hot. Nice voice too, very rumbly but sometimes I want to smack him across his head for no reason.

Fili: He's hot and blonde. Don't want to smack him across the head but mainly because I'm pretty sure he's keeping knives in there.

Bofur: He's awesome. Tells great stories, real fun and witty. Reminds me of Lydia actually. Don't know why. If I ever get back home and tell her about this I will have to remember to leave this part out. She may get pissy if she finds out a dwarf dude reminded me of her.

Bifur: ...He has the head of a pickaxe in his head! And apparently his injury caused him to forget the Common Speech. He understands but doesn't speak it. He got annoyed when he was trying to tell me something and needed Bofur to translate but when I told him that I was speaking the same language as the rest and they still didn't understand me he laughed so I'm guessing we're good now.

Bombur: Is round and nice and keeps on feeding me because he thinks I'm too skinny, it is the sweetest. Only problem is that he snores in moths. I would explain what that meant but that would mean thinking about it and for all that he is sweet, it is still icky.

Oin: He has an ear trumpet and still mishears things but then there are times when he hears things even without it. Also he talks about portents and stuff and gives me this tonic to improve my immunity. It tastes like Ben's hangover cure, terrible, but I have noticed that I don't sniffle half as much when we get caught in the rain so I take it anyway. I am afraid to ask what's in it.

Gloin: Keeps his money close to his chest and talks a lot about his wife and son. He has drawings of them in a locket like thing and brags about them all the time. It's adorable but reminds me that Mum is probably drunk off her face and hasn't noticed that I'm missing/dead and that Dad is out banging supermodels my age on a yacht pretending to have no cell phone service. It is somehow way more depressing here than it was back home.

I think it's because I don't have the internet to distract me. Honestly I don't know how to survive without the constant influx of trivial knowledge and validation, I really don't.

Nori: Expert thief. Seriously, expert. One day I caught him with my phone and let me tell you, taking my phone out of my jeans without me noticing is quite a feat.

Ori: Shy sweet, great at drawing and is fabulous with his slingshot. I'm trying to convince him to teach me how to use one but he starts stammering when I talk to him.

Dori: He mother hens Ori so much that even Ori gets annoyed by it and considering how calm and even tempered he is (unless talking about Smaug) that is really saying something. But other than that he's nice. He tried to get me to eat more meat and got this seriously horrified look on his face when I told him that I was allergic to eggs. It was the same reaction as the one I got when I told Bilbo I was allergic to mushrooms actually.

Dwalin: He's supposed to be an inch shorter than me and quite a few inches shorter when I'm in my heels but somehow he makes me feel like I'm the size of a thimble. Has a lot of tattoos that impress Bilbo very much. I wonder how Bilbo would react if he knew that I know someone who has their entire body tattooed or that I have a few of my own. But Dwalin's tattoos probably mean something more and have some story behind them unlike mine which mainly involve getting dumped and drinking copious amount of tequila and crying. The dude is a total BAMF

Balin: There's something about him that just screams 'I am a wise person, youngling'. He tells great stories too, just like Bofur but his stories are more along the lines of epics and battle stories.

Thorin: Leader of the company, Mr GrumpyPants McSexyVoice. He's hot too. Sometimes I just wait for people to screw up just to hear McSexyVoice growl at them. He yells at me sometimes but I don't hear his words at all. Must be a bit of a bummer for him to spend all that time yelling at someone only for them to be unaffected. His bitchface is almost as good as mine but I think mine is more of the classic 'I don't care, shut up' while his is more of an 'I'm surrounded by idiots' kind of thing.

And that's it. I still don't know why or how I got here. Sure Gandalf says that the Valar did this but how? Do portals to alternate universes just pop up like that? And even they're Gods and stuff, they might not be the Gods of my world, aren't there rules about this? I mean this Mahal guy created dwarfs and even that was against the rules but somehow transporting a dead girl from one world to the other isn't? It doesn't make sense.

I love myself but I also know myself and knowing who I am means that I cannot understand how I can contribute to this quest in any way whatsoever. I'm not kickass and neither am I the type of charming that allows one to make friends easily. This world is so not my own I don't even know the niceties of it, I can't bloody pretend to be anything because I don't know how it will be received. This is breaking my mind.

Actually I'm quite surprised by how well I'm taking this, I mean I have a nervous breakdown just when I have to give exams. When we have assessments people starts worrying about whether I have an eating disorder because I throw up so often due to nerves but dying and being put into another world is something I'm taking very well. Far too well. Think I might still be in shock.

But at least it's not Oz, I mean really, if I had to follow a yellow brick road somebody would be getting shanked. Once I figured out how to do that at least. Why couldn't it have been Wonderland? I want Cheshire cats and Red Queens with giant heads and Mad Hatters and unicorns. Lots and lots of unicorns.

This blows.

#-#


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This one has a bit more about our world than theirs. I think it's really fascinating to see how Middle Earth people would react to technology and the sheer statistics of our world, not just the other way around so this is me doing exactly that. **

**(P.S. I am very much thankful for the feedback)**

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><p><em>Still near the beginning but at least out of the Shire (finally!)<em>

Cass sat at the edge of the camp on a log, Bilbo beside her. The two sat in silence and watched the Dwarves in the swing of things, singing and dancing around the warm campfire feeding it with small logs. The two were both veritable outsiders to it all especially as Gandalf, the only one the two had in common, was going over the map, studying it with Thorin nearby. Beyond sharing small smiled they didn't talk to one another, both too lost to try.

Eventually though she managed to quell her nerves and cleared her throat to speak. And proceeded to choke on her own spit.

It took quite a bit of coughing on her part and some concerned back thumping on his but eventually the choked sounds died off leaving them in a silence even more awkward than the one they started one, which was saying something because it was plenty awkward to begin with.

"Umm I'm sorry for being so loud and hysterical and," At this point she began waving her hands around wildly, "kind of crazy back at your house."

Bilbo started, surprised by what he was hearing. "Oh no, it's fine you weren't really that loud. I was probably more so. You didn't see me when the Dwarves first started arriving, I was veritably ranting and raving then. Not a good host at all."

"Yes but it's _your_ house, you get to be loud in your house."

"It really is fine, it might be my house but it isn't even your world. You're allowed some time to adjust."

"Right. Thank you. I mean sorry. I mean thank you. Sorry, I get weird around people." She curled in on herself.

"You weren't this bad yesterday."

"I thought I was dreaming yesterday. Or high. Actually I still think that. If you fell into another world would you believe people when they told you it was another world? Or would you think you'd eaten some strange mushroom."

"I see what you mean."

She made a strangled noise. "I didn't mean anything I was asking, actually. I mean I'm sceptical because there's stuff like science in my world, not Valar but here...there's magic right? So m-maybe you'd believe it?"

"Maybe. Maybe not. Didn't even know there was another world to begin with."

"Neither did I. I mean I'd heard of the multiple world theories but it was never something real you know? Just something I'd read in the newspaper."

"Newspaper?"

"Hmm? Oh you don't have them here?"

"Not really."

"Not at all? Wait does printing exist here?"

"It's too expensive lass, you'll find a press here and there but they're very rare and quite expensive." Balin contributed and she flushed upon realising that others was listening to them and their attention was on her.

She did not deal well with attention.

"Oh then I guess newspapers are out of question."

"What are these newspapers?"

"What the name says I guess, they're papers with the most recent news printed on them that are distributed for a price. It keeps people up to date with what's going on but I suppose they'd be pretty pointless here."

"Why is that?"

"Well I'm not sure if you'd have the level of populations needed for that. I'm sure gossip and word of mouth are good enough but you don't have the kind of masses of people that these kind of things target."

"What kind of masses are we talking about?"

"The city I live in is one of the bigger ones and it has around eight million people living in it. Give or take."

"Eight million people?!" Their eyes were bugging out of their heads.

"There's about seven billion people living in the world in total though. That's nine zeroes, wow." She tiled her head thinking it over. "You'd think having contraception would lower the number."

"That's a lot of people."

"Yes it is. Course with the wars and stuff it's bound to be shifting."

"Your world is at war?"

"Sort of? I mean yes I guess. There are pockets in which the fighting is almost constant. I'm lucky enough not to be born in one of those places, feel terrible when I hear of Iraq."

"What's your name again lass, I keep on forgetting it." Bofur asked.

"It's Cass. Short for Cassandra."

"That's a pretty name."

"Oh thank you but it's not like I chose it." She trailed off, flushing when she realised how rude that sounded but Bofur remained unaffected.

"True. I've always wanted to be called Barkur personally."

She grinned at how nice he was being but it tapered off into a nervous smile. "I don't actually know any of your names."

"It's no surprise, we haven't introduced ourselves have we?" He gave a sharp whistle and everyone turned to him. "Oi you clotheads, introduce yourselves to Lady Cass here."

"That's really not neces-" Before she could finish two of them were up and grinning.

"Fili-"

"And Kili-"

In tandem they bowed and chorused. "At your service."

"Uhh hi? I'm Cass."

"Cass ...?"

"Umm Cassandra Goulston it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. If you could just point everyone out instead of making them introduce themselves? I don't want to put everyone out."

"Well that's Dwalin, Balin, Bifur, Bombur,Nori, Ori, Dori, Oin, Gloin and the leader of our company Thorin Oakenshield." Kili pointed them all out.

"Our uncle." Fili added helpfully.

"And our Burglar Mister Bilbo Boggins."

"It's Baggins actually." Bilbo corrected with a roll of his eyes.

"Okay. It'll take me some time to remember everyone but okay." She let out a shaky breath and Kili looked to her in askance.

"Are you nervous?"

"More like terrified. I'm cramping your style something fierce aren't I?"

"...What?"

"I'm...ruining things?"

Thorin snorted. "The Halfling poses more a problem than you do. At least you know how to ride a pony."

Next to her Bilbo flushed. "I was fine walking." He muttered.

"Actually we're going so slowly you might as well." She whispered to him. "It's not even an amble you _could_ keep up on foot. But you'd be very tired."

"Here you go lass." Bombur came over and put a bowl of stew into her hands. "Eat up."

"I don't think I could finish all of this. Would someone like to share?"

"You're far too skinny already, eat up."

"Aye, all skin and bones."

"I'm not used to such large portions." She said and just began to take a sip when Balin looked at her sympathetically.

"You hard up?"

She snorted hard, the soup making its way down her wind pipe and she spent a good few minutes coughing.

"Umm no, my Mom's trying to lose weight she gets me to do diets with her. It's a long story and not one that you're all interested in so hey," She said cheerfully changing the topic, "your families must be kind of angry with you all right now."

"Why would that be?" Thorin asked her defensively.

"Just... you know, going off to fight a dragon, on a quest from which you might not return. Surely your families won't like that?"

Their faces fell and they scattered once again. She wondered what it was that she'd said that had them so depressed but one of them, Gloin, stayed behind.

"It's just most of us lost our families when Erebor fell." He said gravely and her eyes widened, as did Bilbo's.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realise."

"Most of us brought our only family along with us. Thorin has a sister, Dis, the boys' mother. She was going to come too but there had to be at least one heir of Durin left to lead the Dwarves in the Blue Hills. My wee lad wanted to join too." Gloin rummaged through his coat and pulled out a locket with two pencil sketches in them. "That's my wife and my son Gimli."

"That's so sweet, you carry their picture with you." She cooed.

"Aye, they're the reason I'm on this quest. They deserve riches, they deserve to be treated like the nobles that they are."

"I have something like that too." She sifted through her purse and after a good amount of digging finally came up with her wallet. In it was a strip of pictures taken in a photo booth and instinctually she began grinning just looking at the pictures of her Lydia and Ben all pulling funny faces.

"By my beard," Gloin looked at it in shock, "that's an uncanny likeness."

"Oh it's a photo, it's a way of capturing an image and then recreating it. I have more pictures on my phone too. I put it on airplane mode so it won't leach all the battery but it won't last more than a day or so."

"How did you do this?" Gloin was still staring at the picture sin amazement and by now it had caught the attention of the rest.

"Sorcery?" Thorin accused, looking between her and Gandalf suspiciously.

"No, science. I don't get it I thought magic was common here." She looked to Gandalf in askance.

"Not that common." Gandalf said defensively. "And not that kind of magic."

"Well it's not magic, it's science."

"How?" Balin inquired. "How does this work?"

"I'm not exactly a scientist or an expert but I can try to explain I guess?" she swallowed audibly but calmed herself. "Do you guys know how eyes work?"

"You do?" Kili said astonished.

"Yes we learnt it in school but anyway, the basic concept is that when you look at something it's because they have light reflecting off it. Your clothes are blue because the pigment in it means that it absorbs light of all the colour except for blue and it reflects the blue light out. On the inside of the back of your eyeballs is a layer of skin cells, well just think of it as a type of skin that responds to the light and it responds to the image that you're looking at, figures out what you're seeing and transmits those images to your brain. So in a photo there's a plate of similar chemicals that respond to light in that kind of way so when the light of a scene falls on it, it allows you to recreate that into an image."

"That's amazing!" Fili said in a tone of wonder.

"Well that's one way of looking at it. I guess I'm so used to seeing photos that I don't appreciate them that much. It kind of really is amazing."

"There are many of these photo things in your world." Thorin said.

"A camera, yeah. Actually a bit too many, if I hear someone say selfie one more time I will scream my bloody voice out." She rolled her eyes. "I have one in my phone but if I show it to you guys you have to promise me you won't ask me about it because I don't actually know."

"You don't know about the things you carry?" Thorin asked sceptically but he hadn't ever stopped looking at the photo either.

"Well you don't need to know how to build a house to live in one. And I could explain it but not without explaining the very foundations of science and I'm just not a teacher."

"Would you mind showing us the camera?" Ori asked.

"Sure umm just a sec, it's right here." She took her phone out of her pocket and started a slideshow of pictures.

"Durin's beard!" Balin exclaimed. Even Dwalin and Thorin were looking at it with unabashed interest while Cass gave running commentary on it all.

"That's Lydia and me at the Space Needle, Ben with me while I got my tattoo, Snowy my horse, isn't he gorgeous? And that's the picture of the dent in Ben's car we needed for the insurance claim, the graffiti on Fifth Street, us at the Met, the set up of my cupcake stall at the local market, the roses Mr Kapoor gave his wife for their fifteenth wedding anniversary, deep quote picture that I instagrammed, Carrie's birthday cake, Coney Island-"

"You have a lot of pictures of your friends." Bilbo noted.

"Well yeah they're my friends, who else would I take pictures with?

"Your family."

"Oh. Well I don't really see them. I see Mother once a few weeks or so."

"And your father?" Balin asked.

"Haven't seen him in a few years. Not since he and Mother separated and he decided to celebrate by partying all over the world."

"I'm sorry lass."

"I'm not, it's better than when they were together. _That_ was truly painful." She opened her mouth to say something then snapped it shut again and bit her lip. "Would you guys mind if..."

"If?" Bilbo prompted when she didn't say anything for quite some time.

"IfItooka pictureofyouall?"

"You can do that?"

"Yeah sure."

"Can I see it when you're done?"

"Of course, I just won't be able to give you a solid copy of it though. It'll be like the ones on the screen now."

It took a bit of shuffling and a lot of convincing but in the end everyone agreed to it even Thorin although it took a bit of pouting from Kili and Fili, but by the end of it they were all lined up for the picture, reluctant smiles and all.

"Say cheese."

"Cheese?" Bombur asked. "Why cheese?"

"Umm because when you say cheese your teeth show so it's become a saying."

Bofur snorted. "Why cheese? Why not geese? Or Teeth? Or-"

"Do you want me to take a photo of you mid talk with you mouth half open?"

"No."

"Then say cheese!" They did so and within seconds crowded around her to see the picture.

"Mahal, that's me!"

"Yup, it's all of you." She said proudly and once they were done oohing and aahing over it she out it away and took a notebook out instead, one with the picture of a biohazard symbol on it. "So I've told you about my world. Would you mind telling me about yours?"

"Where do we start?"

"Well if you wouldn't mind my first question is for Mr Baggins."

"M-me?"

"Yes. Could you please tell me, what exactly is a hobbit?"

_#-#_


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Cass is shy. She's still learning to be more like herself around people but for the most part she is subdued and this diary is going to be her only honest outlet for it all. I think it's interesting how people act and how they think can be so radically different. **

**(Thank you for the feedback. And the follows and the faves, they're all rather lovely)**

* * *

><p><em>Somewhere over the rainbow (And a bit close to the Hidden Valley actually)<em>

Travel Diary,

Bilbo's pretty bored about the travelling and the gorgeous views ages ago. So did I actually, I mean watching trees pass you by is nice on an hour long drive but on a many week long journey, not so fun especially since I've never really been the most patient of people. But then I've always been wonderful at hiding it and here especially with Mr GrumpyPants McSexyVoice being all...grumpy. Just right now before we stopped for camp and I got the wondrous opportunity to chronicle my journey through the alternate dimension I got thrown into, Thorin got into a fight with Gandalf, no idea why (okay I do kind of have an idea why, probably something to do with Elves) and Gandalf stormed off saying something about Dwarves being bad company and stormed out dramatically, his dress swishing behind him.

Anyway, I've been ooh-ing and aah-ing at everything because it seems to make the others laugh and _they're_ the really interesting bit of all this.

Well they were, now proximity is breeding slight annoyance since...they smell. Seriously. I tried to spray my deo on them when they didn't notice.

(It did not work)

So now I spend most of my time watching the ponies interact, I'm pretty sure that Bungo has the hots for Minty and Minty is not taking that at all while Daisy wants him so bad.

Okay I might be making up stories to compensate for the fact that I'm not watching my Korean dramas anymore. Knew I shouldn't have put off watching the finale of YWCFTS just because of the mixed reviews.

(But I still think Bungo is sweet on Minty)

Thorin is kind of mean to Bilbo. I think it's because he's a hobbit and not a dwarf but even other than that dwarves seem fairly xenophobic and it occurs to me that they might hate the fact that Bilbo will be getting to know their city pretty well if he has to steal...Actually I don't know what he's supposed to steal. Surely they can't mean for him to carry every single bit of gold out of there, right? Other than the fact that if the amount of gold, Mister Balin talked about was right then it would be impossible for Bilbo to do that even if he had years, there's also the fact that they can't exactly claim to be doing this to reclaim Erebor if they just claim the gold.

But having to depend upon a hobbit for such an important task (whatever the task may be) is probably killing Thorin. Especially since Bilbo has managed to adjust but isn't exactly contributing. He can't really keep watch because he isn't trained to fight, even if he alerted people at the right time he might not even know what to look for.

I get much better treatment actually. At first I didn't especially because he was all 'Ooh camera, witchcraft' but now he's finally accepted that I really am from another world. Can't be easy for him to deal with that, it's like 'Hey here's some chick from another world, take her on your long trip with limited supplies even though you have more important things to do'. Kind of a bummer really.

But I have taken it upon myself to take care of all the ponies. When we stop for camp, I tie them up, give them their feeding bags and set out the water for them, groom them, check their hooves. So Thorin doesn't growl that much at me. In fact sometimes he actually stops me from taking care of the horses.

It's probably the whole chivalry/chauvinism (I can never keep them straight) thing though. And there's always some dwarf there with me, usually Dwalin. I asked him why he was keeping watch and he joked that he thought I'd run off with one of the ponies.

Well I _think_ he was joking, he certainly laughed when I said that even if I stole a pony I wouldn't know where to go. The only time I'm absolutely certain he's joking is when he's joking with Balin. Really, the guy needs to headbutt me otherwise I'll never know if he's kidding.

But Bofur says that it's because I can't fight so leaving me near the edge of the camp (where the ponies are kept) would be dangerous. But I know it's mainly because of my lady parts, Bilbo wouldn't get such protection. Weeell he would but from Kili and Fili which given their attention span is not really much.

In other news, I have learnt many things. First of which is how to get a general idea of what Bifur is saying. At first it was hard because he talks in Khuzdul which sounds kind of harsh all the time really but now I'm getting better at distinguishing tones. I can't tell _exactly_ what he's saying but I can tell what he means.

And the next thing I learnt was so strangely coincidental and so mind blowing that you have to hear how I learnt of it. It happened during a conversation with Bilbo. I was just asking him why everyone was looking at Thorin like he was a freaking unicorn and he laughed.

The conversation went something like this :

Me- Why is everyone looking at Thorin like he's awesome? I mean sure his voice is nice and all but I don't think the others respond to it for the same reasons I do.

Bilbo- You missed out on quite a tale last night.

Me- Really?

Bilbo- Balin was telling us of a battle that Thorin fought in.

Me- Oh?

Bilbo- Yes, apparently he faced down a giant pale Orc named Azog the Defiler, right after Azog decapitated his grandfather's head and Thorin defended himself with nothing but an oak branch as shield and cut off the Orc's arm, rallied everyone and drove the armies back. And Balin was just saying that Thorin was someone he could call King when out of nowhere you kicked him right in his shin and told him 'Shu'up tryna sleepabugabudu'

(Full on imitation, apparently I snore, did not know that)

Me- Oh no, I can't believe I kicke- Wait what did he mean by call King?

Bilbo-Thorin's the heir to the throne of Erebor, didn't you know that?

Me- WHAT?! ASDFGHJKL

Yeah Thorin's a Prince. Or well, King. How did that happen?

(Okay I know _how_ it happened, obviously his dad and mom decided to do the dirty.)

And apparently because he doesn't have children Fili and Kili are his heirs and they're _Princes_. I swear, I spent the better part of the day saying 'What?!' in different tones of disbelief.

But you know what, now the whole quest make a lot more sense. Clearly GrumpyPants McSexyVoice misses being rich. Going from Hermes and Prada to Forever 21 is probably tough. And the fact that there's a dragon who is hoarding all his gold, that must piss him off royally.

Need a moment to laugh at that. Get it, piss him off _royally_. Because he's a King.

But yeah, having a dragon there with all his money must suck because it's not like the dragon has anything to spend it on. And this Smaug character is interesting too, he huffed and puffed and well, burnt a city down but he hasn't been seen in sixty years which leaves no time to spend some money in the local market.

(Not that there is a local market since he burnt the closest cities down.)

Doesn't he need to eat? If he's been sleeping all this while, won't his muscles be emaciated? After the accident I had, I was in a full body cast for ages and then I had to have physical therapy to regain the muscle mass I had lost. That doesn't even compare to sixty years of inactivity. What _does_ he eat actually? I've heard lots about him burning things down but none of him actually eating.

But then I have to remember this is a magical land with things that make no sense to me because my mind is still stuck on, you know, Earth reasoning. Not Middle Earth.

Speaking of magical things, have also learnt about Wizards. Apparently they are an endangered species.

Well not exactly but there are only five of them.

There's Saruman the White who one can only assume to look like the perennial bride only with beard since no one in Middle Earth seems to shave.

(Hobbits don't count, they apparently cannot grow beards)

There's Radagast the Brown, which must kind of suck. Brown is not a colour that inspires things in people.

And then there are two blue wizards whose names Gandalf can't remember which is sad because blue dresses are something I can get on board with.

Oh but Bilbo is apparently excellent at throwing shade, eh was asking about how powerful the wizards were and said 'Is he a great wizard or is he more like you'. Eeeepic! I almost wish I had internet and could use that 'Shade!' gif.

I wish I could respond to everything using gifs actually. There are so many people who react so much better than me, gifs give me life.

But things aren't all informational trips and general levity, despite the dwarves' much admired ability to make a joke out of pretty much anything there are serious problems.

The closer we get to this Hidden Valley that Gandalf talks about, the more scared I get. Not for myself but it's just that...elves or any variant of that word even, sets Thorin off. I've heard Gandalf and Thorin talk a bit away from the camp (so I have a problem eavesdropping, sue me) about the elves and every single time their very names are brought up, Thorin curses them, follows it up with some nasty sounding word in Khuzdul that even sends Dwalin flinching.

It's scary how racist he is and makes me worry. Not because he'll hurt elves or anything, while Thorin hates elves he is also disgusted by them to the extent where he wants to avoid them at all possible cost. But he isn't a war monger or a genocidal idiot. Just a...xenophobic one and I don't know how to deal with it because for the most part he's been pretty nice to me. Sure he hasn't gone out of his way to make me feel comfortable or tried to become friends with me but the fact remains that I could just as easily have woken up in Gundebad or Moria or some other shitty place. And if they'd decided that I wasn't allowed to follow them, I would be stuck in the Shire without a way home, without even a _possibility_ of a way home and with no idea how to deal with this alternate world so for allowing me this much even I am incredibly grateful.

But that doesn't change the fact that this is a problem. I'm not so naive as to think that prejudice doesn't exist back home, hell I've even had a lot of people judging me for my mixed heritage too but that just solidifies my belief that it is wrong to judge an entire group of people by the actions of one and yet nobody finds anything wrong in Thorin judging people like that. Every time I try to say something about it they say I don't understand the history behind it but hell, history is history not the present and it doesn't change the fact that it is still wrong.

And this sort of thing is pretty deep rooted here. When we were passing Bree I did hear a few of the Men make some rather derogatory remarks about the Dwarves. They also made those remarks about me so I kind of dismissed them as just being rude asshats but now it seems a bit more serious than just dickishness.

Even apart from all that is the fact that Gandalf thinks this road has gotten dangerous, that we should make for Imladris/Rivendell. If he's right, and it doesn't really seem like Gandalf's wrong often, then we're in deep shit. And Thorin being a racist might lead the entire Company, myself included, to death.

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, ended up in another world.

In retrospect it's a really good thing that the alternate world trips don't work the other way around. I mean if one of the Company ended up on Earth, they'd either be considered crazy and shipped off to the looney bin or be Area 51-ed by the government.

Still can't adjust well to this world though. Keep on thinking that the Matrix is real and someone put me in a program for Middle Earth.

I still haven't thrown up which is worrying me. I know it sounds super weird but if I throw up, that's my cue to know that I've actually absorbed this all and am not in fact in shock. I'm coping far too well for this to be normal or good, I get a heart attack just if someone's late to meeting me because I can't stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong, I mean they could fall and hit themselves on the head or be hit by a car and end up dead, or they could be mugged just crossing the street or they could...end up in another world.

I wonder if Lydia's worrying about me. And I wonder if there's an actual corpse of me in my world. Or maybe the corpse of me is the one walking around in Middle Earth and I'm a zombie.

It's not as cool as I thought it would be.

_#-#_


	6. Chapter 6

_At the Trollshaws_

"What're you writing?" Cass was surprised to find Ori talking to her. While he never ignored her he certainly never searched her out and talked to her either. In fact, she'd never seen him talk to anyone in the company except concerning chores with the exception of his brothers, who were both prone to do more of the talking than the listening.

"Oh I'm just writing things down, like a diary I suppose. I remember things better if I write them down and it's helping me to deal with things too. This world is very different from mine."

"Your world sounds strange to us." He said and sat down next to her. She could see Nori and Dori eying them suspiciously and shrugged when they caught her eye. She didn't know what was going on either. "Like that camerra thing"

"Camera. You know it's only in the last few decades that they've become so common. I know plenty of grownups and old people who aren't used to camera phones and smart phones and such. I think my world just tends to change faster than this one."

"Can I see it?"

"The phone?"

"I wanted to see the phodos you had on it."

"Photos. But umm it's dead, completely discharged so you won't be able to see them."

"I don't suppose there're a lot of artists in your world." Ori asked frowning at the horizon where the sun had set already and night was on its way fast.

"Oh there's plenty. Actually there's far too many, there's a serious issues with there being too many animators and not enough job opportunities. Plus a few of my friends complained about how they get to draw a lot of the female anatomy while the guys are always fully clothed and it seemed sexist to them. Why would you think that though?"

"It's just you have your photos. Why would anyone need any artists then?" There was a hint of bitterness to his words and she recalled that she had seen him with his own book often. Perhaps what he had been doing was not just writing but drawing as well.

"There's always need of artists. There's something amazing about the fact that someone took the time to memorise the lines of your face or of the mountains and recreate them. It's amazing. The tools might evolve a bit but there're still plenty of classical artists."

"Really?" He asked hopefully.

"Yep. Lots of them. You know I used to try to draw when I was young. Didn't have the talent for it but I did learn how to draw the perfect anime eye."

"What's anime?"

"It's a style of drawing that's kind of exaggerated."

"Show me." He said excited now that they were talking about something that really interested him and shoved his own book under her nose putting a piece of lead into her hand. "You said you could draw it so."

"I can only draw the eye though."

"That's fine I just want to know."

"Okay but if I do this will you show me one of your sketches? Please?"

"You really want to see them?"

"Yes absolutely, please please?"

"Just one and maybe you can show me what you were writing?"

"Ooh that'll be awkward."

"Why?"

"Because I wrote about you all. I think it's fine but I know you guys don't think like I do and you might get offended and maybe forget that I write like that because if I didn't laugh about this I would cry. A lot."

"It'll be fine, I won't judge you." He insisted and she tilted her head, sceptical. "But if I do judge you I promise not to tell you. Is that better?"

She thought it over but ended up agreeing anyway, wanting to see just what he'd been working on.

Hours passed and one page turned to several and judgement that had been held back was eventually told anyway but softened by the good intent behind it. In those few hours she learnt more about Middle Earth than she had in her many weeks there and Ori gained a new understanding of her world as well and why Cass was so quiet at most times and yet managed to say so many things that most people in their own world would shy away from voicing.

The other dwarves had been watching the two as well. They couldn't quite hear what was being said but had been surprised by the wild hand gestures and flurry of talk that the two usually quiet ones were indulging in.

"And just what is going on here?" Bofur interrupted them.

"Nothing we were just talking. Did you know Ori had an eidetic memory? It's amazing!"

Ori blushed. "It's nothing Lady Cass has been helping me with my drawings of the horses."

"Which actually reminds me that I should go check on the ponies."

"The lads are taking care of them." Bofur waved it off shoving a bowl of soup in her hands.

"I know but Minty has been pawing the ground a lot, I wanted to make sure she's alright. I'll be back in a jiffy." She said and made her way to the improvised padlocks where the ponies were.

She found Kili and Fili looking at the ponies perplexed while Mr Baggins looked in between them and the ponies with panic, still holding two bowls of soup in his hands.

"What's going on?" She asked, turning to look at where they were staring. "Hey where's Daisy and Bungo?"

"They're missing." Bilbo explained.

"How do you manage to lose ponies?" She exclaimed, waving the hand free of bowl around looking at them all worriedly. The dwarves were lovely but the ponies were really her favourites. She went closer to where a tree had been uprooted and reeled, crinkling her nose. "And what's that terrible smell?!"

"We're not that bad." Kili protested.

"Not it's not you I finally managed to block out your smells, this is a much worse smell, like rotting carcass. Ergh. It smells like that one time a squirrel had died in the vents and we had to call the building supervisor." She shuddered.

Fili and Kili shared a look.

"It couldn't be." Kili protested.

"It could."

"Trolls? This far onto the Great East road?"

"Gandalf _was_ worried."

"He said a farmer had lived there once right?" She added and Bilbo thought it over.

"Come to think of it the ashes surrounding it had seemed a bit...fresh."

"Hey," Fili cried out and ducked his head waving the others over. Bilbo and Cass followed Kili still labouring with the owls in hand. "There's a light."

The four moved closer staying close to the ground and hid behind an uprooted tree trunk. This close they could hear loud laughing. Bilbo and Cass followed the brothers as they went even closer to the fire but while Bilbo ducked, Cass stayed right where she was, mouth dropping in shock and disbelief as a giant grey skinned humanoid thing walked past where she was stood, carrying a pony under each arm. Hurriedly, Fili pulled her down by the bottom of her coat but in the process she dropped the stew all over the ground and Bilbo was splashed with the hot liquid. He hissed silently and glared at her but she didn't notice still staring at the behemoth that was walking right past them.

"Are you alright?"

"That was-I can't believe- What the-" She could barely be heard, voice coming out ridiculously faint and she took a shuddering breath. "This is real."

"Yes, trolls have taken Minty and Myrtle too, we have to do something!" Bilbo said and the three for a moment ignored Cass, the two brothers pushing and prodding their Burglar to go and rescue the hostages. They came back soon after and found her still there staring at where the troll's back had been last seen, ridiculously pale.

"What's wrong with you?" Kili asked.

"T-T-This is real. I'm actually in another world. I don't have this good an imagination, I- this is real." She kept on repeating the words as if chanting unable to tear her eyes away and the tow brothers exchanged a look.

"Look we don't have time for this, we need to go back and tell the others, Bilbo might need our help."

She didn't hear one word of it, the sound of the blood rushing in her ears, her heartbeat drowning everything else out and they swore as she repeated her words again and again.

"Stay here, don't move." They said and left her there, retuning only seconds later with the rest of the company all of them being unnervingly quiet.

"What's wrong with the lass?" Bofur asked and waved a hand in front of her eyes only to be ignored. Oin worriedly stepped forward, placing a hand on her wrist checking her pulse.

"Clammy and slow, she's in shock, we need to get her warm." He stated and began to shrug out of his jacket when Thorin stopped him.

"There isn't time, Master Baggins is there with the trolls and he might be discovered any second now." He stepped up to her and shook her a bit, slapping her cheek lightly when that didn't work. That did the trick and her eyes finally focused on him.

"Did you just slap me?" She said, incredulous before looking around nervously. "Mister Baggins he went in there alone! He doesn't even have a knife or anything!" She said and followed the dwarves as they surrounded the area.

One of the trolls had a cold. She didn't know why she kept on fixating on that but one of them (the one called Tom) had a cold.

One minute they were all hiding in the bushes the next there was chaos, the dwarves and the trolls were fighting, Bilbo was crawling to get to the ponies and Cass, Cass just ducked on occasion, unsure of what she was supposed to do. There was one moment when Ori was caught by one of the trolls and she finally woke up. With no weapons she didn't know quite what to do but picked up a ladle lying on the ground, one that was bigger than their bowls and somehow managed to sling a ladleful of the stew Bert had been preparing and threw it onto the troll. He screeched and let go of Ori immediately and Ori rejoined the fray, his trusty slingshot ready within seconds.

But the one moment had been enough for her to catch their attention and she was picked up easily by Bert followed by Bilbo. William and Bert held Bilbo aloft, holding a limb in each hand threateningly while she was dangled around by the foot by Tom.

"Lay down your arms, or we'll rip his off." William threatened, angry that the ponies had been freed by Bilbo.

It took a moment but they finally put down their swords, following Thorin's example.

"Look what I've got!" Tom said excitedly, swinging Cass around like a rag doll. "It's a girl!" The rest had already been sorted into their own personal burlap sacks but Tom had left her just as she was. Unfortunately she was still being held upside down and the blood rushing to her head was making her very dizzy. "It's a girl!" He exclaimed even as Bert and William tied up a few of the rest onto the spit, ready to be barbequed.

"That's no girl." Bert said poking her ribs. For him it was little more than a light touch but she could feel the bruises forming already.

Her mind, she decided was strange. She was being held by a troll and examined by another but the main thing that she was thinking of was that despite the fact that her shirt had fallen down leaving her torso exposed, the girls were still being held in place by her bra. Not that there was much to hold in place but really, she'd worn sports bras that weren't so proficient in keeping things in place. When she got back home, she decided, she would have to buy more of these. Assuming she didn't get eaten by trolls that was. "That's just a little human boy, that is. All skin and bones." He made a face and took her out of Tom's hands to stuff her in a sack as well throwing her onto the pile where she landed right on top of Thorin.

The rush of blood going from her brain to the right places had her giggling.

"What's so funny?" Kili at her feet asked.

"I'm being body shamed by a mythological creature." She said in between laughs. "Like Nicki Minaj's songs didn't do that enough back home."

"And why is that funny?" Thorin interjected.

"It's not, I'm just dizzy is all."

It took a while but finally the world stopped spinning.

"-I don't fancy being turned into stone." She heard William say.

"What stone?" She whispered.

"Trolls turn into stone if caught in sunlight." Thorin growled. "But dawn is yet far away and I am afraid the ones roasting do not have time."

"Wait!" Bilbo cried out. "You are making a terrible mistake!" He managed to stand up and hopped closer to the trolls, everyone's eyes following his movements carefully. "I meant with the seasoning."

"What about the seasoning?"

"Well have you smelled them? You're going to need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up."

"And what do you know about cooking dwarf?" William protested.

Cass was feeling guilty. She had been of no use to the dwarves when they'd fought and even managed to get herself caught. Sure Bilbo had been caught as well but he'd at least managed to free the ponies, she'd been useless. So she girded herself and ignored the frisson of fear running through her and stood up, ignoring Kili cries as she managed to somehow step onto his knee.

"Shut up," Bert said. "Let the flurgergburburobbit talk."

"Errr the secret to cooking dwarf is umm-" Bilbo thought it over. "Is umm to skin them first."

"Don't be silly!" Cass stood up and protested, arguing with Bilbo. "You don't skin dwarves!"

"You don't?" asked Tom whom she had taken to thinking of as Sneezey.

"No, you rub goose fat into their skin so they crisp up beautifully."

"Traitors!" Kili cried out and the rest followed.

"We ain't got no goose fat." Bert sulked.

"That's fine there's some at the camp actually, you could always go get t, it isn't so far away. You know that farmer's house? That's where all our things are, I'm willing to bet that the ponies that my friend here freed are there as well."

"I would like some crisp skin." Tom nodded.

"What a load of rubbish. Crisp skin indeed!" William scoffed.

"Oh you haven't had it like that? I suppose you haven't eaten much dwarf then, _everyone_ knows that's how you cook them. I mean a confit would be ideal of course but dwarf fat is so hard to come by it's a delicacy, crispy skin is really the next best thing."

"I disagree, the skin can get very chewy you know." Bilbo added.

"Only if you mess it up, if you render the fat properly it can completely gorgeous."

All those times wasted watching the Food Network hadn't been wasted after all.

"I still say we should skin them." Bilbo said.

"We can do both, I mean skinning them and then frying off the skin in the goose fat might work better."

"But we really should tell them about the parasites." Bilbo said conspiratorially.

"Parasites? What parasites?" Bert inquired.

"Well most of them have worms in their tubes. It's ridiculous how many parasites they're carrying in them." By now the dwarves had caught up and chimed in.

"Mine are the biggest parasites, I've got huge parasites."

"We're riddled."

"Yes riddled."

"I've got parasites as big as my arm!"

"Eurgh!" Tom shrieked like a little girl but William had caught on to their game.

"What would you have us do then? Let them all go?"

"Weeeell."

"You think I don't know what you're up to?" He walked forward threateningly but the slight warmth on the back of her neck told her he wouldn't be able to do much, the sun had risen already, even though it was hidden by the rock behind them. "These ferrets are taking us for fools!"

"Ferret?!"

"Fools?!"

"The dawn will take you all!" Gandalf said dramatically appearing out of nowhere and cracking the boulder in half. It didn't take long for the trolls to turn into stone, within seconds they were all petrified and cries of joy and laughter rang out through the clearing.

"Umm if someone could please get me out of the sack?" Cass asked, voice growing hysterical as she stared at the petrified trolls with unabashed horror. "I think I'm about to throw up."

_#-#_


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: This one is really short and I apologise in advance for that.**

* * *

><p><em>Outside the Troll Hoard<em>

Travel Diary,

I don't know what I'm doing here. I can't handle any of it and it makes no sense to me, none fo this world makes sense to me. Things seem so black and white, there are heroes and there are villains but where are the anti-heroes? Sure Thorin is supposed to be so but it just...it doesn't make sense.

I was properly, properly terrified of the trolls honestly, they stunk, they were stupid but huge and just something about them made my skin crawl but I just can't wrap my head around the fact that they're stone now not just for normal reasons but because...

Okay they wanted to eat us and that made the dwarves very angry. But how is it really any different from the rabbits that we trap for the stew Bombur makes, how is it any different from the fish we net and eat? One of the trolls had a cold, when I think of how...how normal that seems I can't help but wonder what makes them so different from us?

Sure hearing them speak about the farmer was nauseating but it's only so bad because we understand them. What makes our lives so important in comparison?

And at the same time I'm not about to feel guilty for fighting to survive. Well okay I probably will feel guilty but I shouldn't and I'll try not to and I certainly didn't feel too bad about it in the moment. If I think about how it would be if Kili and Fili's mom got news that her children were eaten by trolls it becomes easier to feel a bit less guilty.

But _I'm_ already dead aren't I? Only I'm not, I'm still alive and it's not fair that I'm alive while the trolls aren't just because, just because they were hungry and chose the wrong food. But then again I can't expect the dwarves to be complacent about being eaten, they were bound to fight back, it's just the laws of natures but it feels weird.

And I know this is hypocritical because if any of those giant spider things Gandalf talked about show up I wouldn't think twice about killing them. I'm only feeling guilty about them because they talked and looked kind of humanoid, I'm no better considering that if they were giant bugs I'd be spraying them with repellent instantly.

I just don't know what to feel anymore. All I know is I have to laugh because if I don't I'm going to cry.

I wish I was home.

_#-#_


End file.
